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Tuesday, February 7th, 2006

Subject:the big 2 fukcink 1
Time:9:23 pm.
Mood: flirty.
so i am finally fucking 21.. how damn exciting.

went last night and had a hot dinner with a fine margarita. good stuff right there. couldn't wait to get carded. i think if i still lived in florida it wouldn't be as big of a deal, but it is a much dryer state out here. i can't even go to most pool halls out here unless it is before 5pm. at least i couldnt before because i wasnt 21. but now i am. so fuck you debbie.

i am excited. lo do on friday. ft co and static on sat. sleep sunday. full time lush for the rest of my life. can't get much better than that. hell of a weekend to look forward to ladies.
Comments: anxious hearts.

Saturday, May 1st, 2004

Subject:whad up hoes..
Time:8:45 am.
Mood: discontent.
alright soo...its been a long time since ive updated in this damn thing, but shit going on lately is making me damn near lose my mind...

alright well..ive been noticing lately how much i have changed since moving up here..whether people think thats a good thing, or a not so good thing -- i really couldnt care less...but im happy with my changes...

something else i have been noticing lately...im slippin back into where i was before i moved here..being all depressed and angry with myself and angry at everyone and ... basically hating myself in every way... its a very not cool way to be..

hrm, maybe im just worrying about things way more than i need to..which is something that i always do...BLEH -- this has to be the most aggravating thing about myself.. i know what i need to change or alter about myself to avoid being fucked over and hurt and whatnot, but the kicker is that i DONT change or alter these fucking things..

grrr... angry-ness with myself..

hopefully ill keep up with this updating shit..

we'll see..
Comments: 6 shattered dreams - anxious hearts.

Sunday, November 16th, 2003

Subject:kick ass show coming up
Time:12:52 pm.
Saturday, Decemeber 6th

Ted Leo and the Pharmacists

Weird War (Ex-Make up)

The Joggers

18 & over

free with FSU id
$5 otherwise

Doors: 8-30
Show: 9-30

Club Downunder www.fsu.edu/~cdu
Comments: 3 shattered dreams - anxious hearts.

Sunday, November 2nd, 2003

Time:12:03 pm.
Mood: angry.
well yet another night as a prisoner of my own room. but whatever. i cant control what decisions other people make, nor am i trying to. but i really doubt that i should be the one being persecuted for what other people decide to do.

although, i so LOVED being locked in my since 930pm last night. yea, i could go out there but thats putting myself in a situation and around people that i dont wanna be around. yea, i could go somewhere else but i have NOWHERE to go, nor should i have to leave my house. but whatever.

fuck this.
fuck this place.
fuck this town.
fuck these people.

i get the feeling that im alone sometimes, but now its more than just a feeling. i just wanna go home to where i know people accept me for not only HOW i am, but WHO i am also. or even not going home to colorado, just home to someone who knows me and is content with loving me for me.

i miss amanda so much. she knows me entirely, she knows what makes me tick, what makes me depressed. she knows how to make me smile when all i want to do is just curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out. i love that she makes me so happy and that she means that much to me. i love that i know i can trust her with my heart and emotions, and she wont hurt me intentionally. i just hate that it took us moving away from each other for me to realize how much she honestly and completely means to me.

oh well. i shouldnt even try to find that in anyone else because its near impossible. in case you read this amanda, i love you more than you could ever imagine. and you mean the world to me and then some. thank you for being the perfect angel to me that you always have been.
Comments: 2 shattered dreams - anxious hearts.

Friday, October 31st, 2003

Subject:the things that are keeping you here, are not keeping me here...
Time:7:14 pm.
Mood: content.
so ive been at the new store for about a week and i like it a lot. reminds me so much of winter haven, so its good. all the people are nice, the drivers arent assholes like at n. monroe. its all good.

i registger for classes nov 5th, finally. gunna take 15 hours, shouldve signed up for 18, but i gotta leave some time for me to be able to work. but ill finally be getting into classes that i SHOULD be in, not ones that im exempt from. so this should be exciting. i was hoping to be taking anat & phys. with will, but im in bio instead. oh well. hopefully our schedules will work out together somewhat again this semester.

speaking of will, he finally met clifton. grrr, they are so awesome. i wasn't sure if clifton's "anti-confrontation-ness" would mesh will with will's "super-confrontational-ness", but it was great. they really like each other, not to mention will thinks that clifton is hot. EVERYONE thinks my boyfriend is hot, which he refuses to accept. but its all good, cuz i know how great and wonderful and absolutely amazing he is. so im content.

ooh, yesterday i got my first motherfucking credit card. yea, its an express credit card, but still it works. ill just build my credit this way. my mom had told me that a lot of people get their first credit cards through a store, build good credit, and then get their other credit cards afterwards. BUT, i got a credit card at Express for Men/Structure. while i was there, will and i got clifton THE HOTTEST outfit, omg. i havent even seen him in it and i still get so excited i could FEF my pants everytime i think about it. im hoping he likes it too. the girl, katheryn i think, and preston who work there, along with will, helped me pick out the outfit. grrr. we love the gay guys at express for men. that boy SO belongs with will because they would be the hottest gay couple in the world. im hoping that will and i have to go back sometime soon so we can try to get preston and will together :o).

but anyways. its halloween, nothing exciting is happening and i have to work at 8. oh well, not like i had plans anyways and its much better than going in at 4 and bustin my ass until 130 when we would close. im not exactly sure WHEN lake jackson closes, but my guess is either 1230 or 1. not closing late is a godsent for me. keeps me from being so damn tired all the flippin time.

alas, i must change from this *cute* gap outfit to my damn papa johns uniform. but i dont work tomorrow so yay :o). i like how things are going now.
Comments: 2 shattered dreams - anxious hearts.

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003

Subject:fantastically well, close to spectacular, far from fine..
Time:12:35 pm.
Mood: blank.
so if i said i had the best relationship with someone that i could imagine... nevermind, i lost that thought..

i dunno whats been goin on lately. i absolute love clifton to death, but when we fucking fight, its so fucking annoying. i hate fighting with him. but its like unavoidable it seems.

bleh. fuck this. i feel like shit and i couldnt for the life of me be able to tell anyone why. i hate it when i get like this, cuz nothing will help. i just have to be shitty for however long, and then eventually, it will go away. i think i just need a break from things that get to me, but i dont do anything about.

im completely dreading going to work today, mostly because i want to quit, but im holding out to see if can be transfered. i just hate going in there, knowing im gunna bust my ass for like 7 hours, only to have to deal with fucked up money. its not fucked up because of something ive done, its fucked up because of the people who worked before me. but it always falls on me because im the closing manager, well im tired of dealing with fucking money problems.

pointless fucking entry..but i feel pretty fucking worthless, so i guess its fitting..
Comments: 1 shattered dream - anxious hearts.

Friday, October 17th, 2003

Subject:fucking fantabulous.
Time:3:20 pm.
Mood: satisfied.
so last night and today were like the BEST days ive had since moving up here. why though? well it's not because of someone or something up here, nope. its cuz of clifton :o).

he got off work yesterday around 1 and realized that there was no school the next day, so that meant he wouldnt have to work in the morning, so he called to ask me if it was ok for him to come up. as if i was gunna say no, psh. i was SO fucking excited, but he left around 4 meaning that i still had to wait 4 hours to see him.

RIGHT as dani, risa and i were about to pimp out to the mall, he walks up to the door when risa opened it. AH! i was so excited and just, utterly fucking stoked. we spent ALL of last night together, and all today until he left, except when i went to eng at 8.

i didnt reailze how much i miss him, until he had come up on monday and could only stay for a couple hours. since then, ive been fucking lovesick and depressed cuz i cant be with him as much as i would love to be. but him coming up yesterday was like exactly what we each needed. we both realized that we've never been as comfortable with someone else as we are with each other. its the BEST FUCKING FEELING EVER!

its crazy because although ive said "i love you" before to other people, namely ex-boyfriends, i didnt realize until now that it wasnt actually love, it was merely infatuation to some extent. with clifton, i am constantly amazed at how much i care about him and how much he means to me and how much i truly love him. i couldnt possibly ask for a better boyfriend than him, because no matter what we're doing, we are both eternally happy just to be in the company of one another.

i love him so fucking much. i just wish i knew how to express it in such a way that clifton and everyone else could really understand.

the best part though...he might get to come back this weekend!

clifton = my <3
Comments: anxious hearts.

Wednesday, October 15th, 2003

Subject:ha ha ha - we love these hoez...
Time:10:06 am.
Mood: happy.
man, last night was such a good night.

i was late to get to school to have lunch with will, but while we were having lunch, we saw the funniest things. this lady walked by talkin about "i wanna get wet", ha ha. and then there was some cheesy 80s shit playing in the background and this REALLY hot guy walked by and saw us singing and he started dancing while walking. when he got passed us, he turned around and gave us a CHEESY thumbs up and started raisin the roof. HA HA HA! it was classic cuz he was really hot.

then we left after math and went to will's house, and came back over here cuz we were gunna to dinner together later. we were chillin listenin to some stankonia and some cabaret, great combination. when we go to dinner, it was so funny. SO many skanky hoes. this big guy had the WORST voice, it was atrocious. then carrie came to have dinner, it was good to see her, hadnt seen her in about a month.

yesterday was just a good day. something that i dont have that often. although, clifton DID get to come up here on monday, but he had to leave monday night. its all good, got to spend some time with him. it was SOOOOO good just to see him and get to just give him a hug and kiss :o). he should be back this weekend, i cant wait. i love him so much.

my favorite thing about mornings.... clifton calls me every morning to wake me up :). hes so fucking beautiful and sweet and like perfect for me. i love him more than he could ever know.
Comments: anxious hearts.

Friday, October 10th, 2003

Time:2:16 am.
Mood: drained.
yea. so. went to this retro shop with will after school. got this PIMP ass hand bag that was apparently "hip" and preppy back in the day. and i got a kick ass ash tray, which is great cuz i completely dont smoke. but its so cute.

then we went to the pretty girls make graves show. it was great to finally meet kelly. shes a really nice girl. the show was pretty good too. wasnt too crazy about the first band. liked the keyboards of the second, and pretty girls make graves was just great. the basist = the hottest thing alive.

my mom called me. she = my life :o).
Comments: anxious hearts.

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003

Time:4:33 pm.
Mood: blah.
without further delay, for any who care, here are my new pics.

Comments: 2 shattered dreams - anxious hearts.

Time:11:54 am.
Mood: loved.
ok so. last night = yet another break-through. i have finally gotten what ive wanted since july. clifton. we were arguing last night and stuff was being said. i guess it took us fighting about what we are feeling to realize how amazingly in love we are. its great though. he thought I didnt want to be with HIM. HA! if that was anymore wrong, id be a fucking chinese prostitute. but yea, we're together.

i wrote my mom an email last night. it started out just me venting, and i felt bad cuz i dont get to see her all the time so i dont want to waste interaction with her on stuff thats trivial in the long run. but yea, i started crying at the end. heres why:

Well, I guess ive updated you on everything, i promise this wasnt just an email to vent. I just really do miss you guys a lot -- you especially. I know that we havent always gotten along, but i do realize now why you do things the way you do and i respect, appreciate and love you for it. Thank you for bringing me up the way you did, i couldnt have had a better example to follow. Now that i'm crying cuz i miss you, i guess ill go and figure out thanksgiving arrangements. Ill be sure to give you a call sometime this week though. I love you so much mom and i miss you terribly. Let Vera and Tom know that i miss and love them too.

PS. i cant wait to see you guys in december!

i love you,

ok, me and my mom love each other dearly, but we have one of those typical "love/hate, fight/dont fight" relationships. so we dont get all emotion-y on each other very often. but it took me moving here and her moving to colorado to realize how much i rely on her to be around. i love her so much and im just glad that my stubborness didnt keep me from realizing this.

oh, and new pics. yes yes. ill post pics of the new tat and new glasses soon.
Comments: anxious hearts.

Monday, October 6th, 2003

Subject:yea, thats a big fuck you.
Time:9:30 am.
Mood: accomplished.
so i realized something i should have realized a LONG ass time ago. im NOT as bad as i think i am. im actually better than what i could ever imagine myself to be. and it only took --oh about 4 or 5 years of his bullshit to realize this. but yea, its a great feeling.

MONTU85: i bet you're pretty as hell now
PreciousPeach02: i was to begin with
PreciousPeach02: thanks though
MONTU85: lol...nice
PreciousPeach02: yea
MONTU85: i've never heard you say that before
PreciousPeach02: well..
PreciousPeach02: i dont let mean people get me down
MONTU85: o..so i guess i shouldn't talk to you, right?

another good consequence of that fuckass talking to me?? clifton and i became closer than i could have ever imagined being. its so fucking awesome to have finally found someone who SERIOUSLY deserves me and respects me and loves me. AH!!! im so happy.

tru tru. got a pic of my new tat. ill post it soon. and before anyone can say ANYTHING, its not the motherfucking pod shit. i had no idea wtf pod used as a symbol. i got it because it's the Celtic Trinity, which isnt just Father, Son and Holy Spirit. it's also for The Maiden, The Mother and The Crone -- which are all women that were important in Jesus' life and such. didnt intend it to be all sorts of religious, but i fucking love it and its my body regardless. so eff you if you dont like it :o).
Comments: 3 shattered dreams - anxious hearts.

Friday, October 3rd, 2003

Subject:caitlin has a pet dog..no, cat...no, platypus named rob..with a mustache/unibrow.
Time:1:50 am.
Mood: happy.
OMA!!!!! clifton said I LOVE YOU CAITLIN. how flippin awesome is that shizza right there? yea, more than you can imagine.

well tonight was a pretty great day. i feel so bad that risa is feeling crappy. i just wanna curl up next to her and make her feel better :(.

we went to chick fil a instead of hooters tonight. it was fun. i got to use rob's ipod which is awesome.

then we went to paul and rob's place to play volleyball. yea, my toes were frozen. we played for a little bit but its hard with only 4 kids. so paul and dani walked back to the apt.

i got some serious chill time in with rob. it was really cool. actually our first time just hangin out alone, talking. hes not what i though he was like, but its all gravy.

im finally home and mad tired. early class = bleh.
Comments: anxious hearts.

Thursday, October 2nd, 2003

Time:3:36 am.
Mood: drained.
so going home didnt go exactly as planned. all i can say is sorry.

although it was great to get a break from tallahassee. just wish it could happen more often.

i went to get my new glasses today though. they are so flippin cute.

figured out when im going "home". the 19th through the 29th of december. that'll be the most kick ass vacation ever. i just wish i could steal clifton and bring him with me. omg, i think id be in heaven if i could.

hes so confusing at times though. we aren't together, but we're "with" each other in a sense. which i dont mind, i like what we have and i love him to death. but its starting to get me, all the times i say i love you and all i get back is an "ok" or "thank you". i dont say it to him just to hear it back, but i feel like its something im doing wrong that keeps him from being able to say it. oh well. i should just realize i dont deserve it, otherwise id have him and he'd love me.

but until then, i have trixie :o). i gave her a bath today. shes so cute. she likes being in the water, but hates it when im taking her out. i wrapped her up in this towel to dry her off -- ohh shit she LOVED that. now shes all pretty white and fluffy and has new pine shavings to kick out onto my carpet. the joy of having a lovely little bunny in your room.

first day off tomorrow. im stoked. i need a day to just be calm and not be worried that someone thinks im doing something or everything wrong. hopefully i wont do much of anything. i can only hope.
Comments: anxious hearts.

Thursday, September 25th, 2003

Subject:are you one of the real ones?
Time:11:11 am.
Mood: refreshed.
whoa. i have finally slept the amount of time that i needed. ah, it feels so good to not have to work mad crazy hours and try to get enough sleep for the next day.

but liz just called and asked me if i could work today 1-4 or something. sadly enough i cant, but i did offer to close for her. like 8-close. i feel bad that i asked for saturday off and it moved other peoples' schedules. so oh well. i can suck it up and do it so that i have the weekend off.

bleh. i have to clean trixie's cage today though. shes startin to kick out more pine shavings onto my carpet. shes soooo cute though. i love that we have her :o).
Comments: anxious hearts.

Subject:personality stuffs.
Time:12:12 am.
Mood: hot.
Conscious self
Overall self
Take Free Enneagram Test
Comments: anxious hearts.

Wednesday, September 24th, 2003

Subject:trixie owns your life.
Time:3:50 am.
Mood: exhausted.
so for all who dont know, we got a rabbit. her name is trixie. shes a dwarf albino. SO flippin cute. i love her to pieces. granted she kicks her pine shavings out onto my carpet, its still great to have someone to come home to :).

it almost seems like she gets excited when i come home. ill come in and she stands up on her back haunches and watch me move through my room. my favorite thing she does, other than eat hay like its no ones business, is when she lays down all sprawled out. trixie = awesomeness.

so. other than going to school, i do nothing really but work. its starting to catch up with me now too. i work 430 to close almost all of my shifts. close - 330 or 4 in the am. its flippin riculous. but oh well. i guess its what i get for being a manger.

tonight i wasnt supposed to work, tues and thurs = late class with early rising the next day. but i ws helping out a fellow manager. well, yea. i just got home. and i wake up at 530am on mon, wed, fri to get ready for class. this should prove to be interesting.

i got the sweetest letter from my parents today. but they sent them separately; i dont think one knew the other had sent me a letter. its great. i had a good cry while reading them.i miss home so bad.

luckily, as long as work approves, i get to fly out to colorado / "home" the 13th of december and be back here by the 29th to spend new years with risa. i hope i can stay that long with my family. i miss them bunches.

well, im not gaining time to sleep by being up so trixie and i shall call it a morning.
Comments: anxious hearts.

Saturday, September 20th, 2003

Subject:yay :o)
Time:12:15 pm.
Mood: loved.
alright so. recent events and my glorious friends have made me realize that im not as bad as i think i am. most of it was also due to homesickness and utter depression setting in. i realize i have to give myself and tallahassee to adjust before i go thinking that i dont belong here. another contribution was the fact that i indeed was NOT fired from my job. nice nice, and my close last night was pretty damn good if you ask me :o).

Thanks to:

You are, in every sense, my everything. you know me best of anyone in my life and you have always been there for me. im sorry that we have drifted apart in the past, but i promise to myself and to you that i will always be there and NEVER EVER leave again. i apologize for when i wasnt always there and i just want you to know how much you mean to me. without you, i wouldnt be who/what i am today. i love you eternally and i always want you to be in my life, as i always want to be in yours. to quote dashboard, like the emo kid i am: "i wanna give you...whatever you need...what is it you need, is it within me??"

Risa and Danielle...
You two keep me going, and always make me so happy. i didnt think that moving in with 2 people i didnt know would turn out this good, but i couldnt and wouldnt ask for anything better. i cant imagine anything better. you both are some of the best people i have ever had the honor of meeting and befriending. thank you for putting up with me, and thank you for letting me into your lives. i couldnt ask for better roommates/peepaw and little shit/girlfriend and love child. dang, you guys make me happy.

I'll have to admit, i thought at first that you werent too partial to me. but you are nothing but nice to me and make me feel good about myself. thank you for tolerating my clashing opinions and depressed moods. you are one of the few good things that actually comes out of polk county *rob too*, and i want to thank you for your friendship. you give me hope that not all guys are buttheads, and other anti-good things. thats a really great quality to have. you also inspire me to not come off so "harsh". *i.e. ill work on the no-cussing thing :o)* overall, thanks.

You make me wanna be better, and stand up for myself. When im with you, i have this sense of confidence that ive been striving for for a while. You are just a great person to be around, and you teach me to stand up for myself. thats something that i had no idea how to do. thank you for being my friend and putting up with my emo ways. you also taught me how great gay men are and how great gay people in general are. now all we have to do is find one of those dang dead-babies sticks and we'll be straight. we heart gay boys and fag hags.

Im not quite sure if or when you read this, but yea..ive said "i love you" before to other people, but i didnt feel it. at least not like i feel it when i say it to you. i realize you cant say it back yet, but im not gunna give up hoping that you will one day. i just wish you could see how beautiful and wonderful and amazing you are to me. i dont think i could ever find someone that means as much to me as you do. im sorry things dont always work in your favor, but if there was a way for me to change it all i would. i would do anything for you. even if im not the one who gets to have you, never ever ever change who you are. i dont care what other people think or say, you are by far the best person i have ever met. just the thought of you makes me so happy and so sad at the same time, cuz i know i cant see you everyday. i miss you soo much and i just want you to know that you mean the world to me. i love you clifton prescott foster :o). "i starve for you..." (im in a 'quote-dashboard-mood).
Comments: 2 shattered dreams - anxious hearts.

Thursday, September 18th, 2003

Time:10:14 am.
ive never felt so dumb, and useless, and worthless. i just wanna curl up in bed and pray that i die in my sleep.

i so hate every little thing about myself.

i hate that im alone. i hate that im too proud to admit that i am alone, and i am unhappy and i cant handle it. i hate that i cant just go home and be somewhere where i know that im wanted and if something goes wrong, i have someone one there. i hate that i cant handle this. i hate that i have to cry alone cuz i dont have anyone here to be with. i hate crying alone. i hate that i have to accept that im a fuck up, that i dont do things right. i hate that i cant do things right, that i just keep fucking up. i fucking hate that im not good enough for anyone or anything. im not fucking good enough at my job, im not good enough at school, im not a good enough person, or a good enough friend. im not even fucking good enough for him to say i love you, when really thats all that i wanna hear. i hate that i finally find the best friend of my lifetime and i have to like 4 hours away from her. i hate that i didnt realize how great she was until now. i hate that i wasnt always there for her, and i wasnt always the best friend i could be. i hate that im not a friend at all, i hate that i cant be there for everyone and make everyone happy and feel good about themselves. i hate the way that i dont just tell people what im feeling, or talk to them about what they do and how it affects me. i hate that i dont have the fucking balls to tell someone that they are offending me, or making me feel shitty. i hate that i dont have the balls to stand up to someone because im not confident enough to think that my opinion matters. my opinion doesnt matter, im a fucking worthless person who is somewhere they dont belong. i hate that i didnt think twice about moving to colorado. i should have. i hate that im so repulsive to myself that i cant pass by a mirror, because i cant bring myself to look and see myself. i hate looking at myself, i hate having to see myself everytime i go into the bathroom. im the last person in the world that i wanna be. i hate that im not as good a person as i wanna be, and i hate that people notice that. i hate how fucking emo i am, but in the same token i feel like im nothing at all. i hate that im fucking pathetic, that im a damn loser, and theres nothing i can do about it; or at least i dont see anything i can do.
Comments: 6 shattered dreams - anxious hearts.

Wednesday, September 17th, 2003

Subject:coconut the gypsies to death...on the edge of town with the dead babies though??
Time:9:01 am.
Mood: horny.
AHH!!!! finally, a couple of pics of will. when i add more to the site, ill post more. get ready for THE HOTTEST gay man you have ever and will ever see....

yea. hot couch pic. rawr.

he just screams hotness. yea, i know.
Comments: anxious hearts.

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